Under new plans unveiled by the government, citizens are now being allowed to set up their own GP surgeries and hospitals without having to worry about the levels of bureaucracy which currently force them to use qualified staff.
‘By removing unnecessary levels of red tape, we believe we will soon see services which cater more accurately to local needs,’ announced Health Minister Jeremy Hunt. ‘Acupuncture heart transplants’, ‘herbal hysterectomies’, and ‘vasectomies with a vodka’ are all thought to be in the advanced stages of planning by a London Free group. A larger group in Yorkshire is getting rid of ‘southern softie anesthetic’ altogether.
Tomorrow at Chessington Free hospital, Jake Smitherhurst will perform his first ever surgical operation on a volunteer’s brain. ‘I’m not qualified under the old system,’ Jake, a lab technician confessed, taking time off from how-to-do-surgery text book, published by Dorling Kindersley with its own special DVD. ‘But my science GCSE’s are impeccable. Patients needn’t worry; the A star is for biology!’
However, many new Free Hospital surgeons have quit after a few days. Some found they couldn’t stand the sight of blood or the smells associated with surgery, some found they couldn’t find a vein. Others discovered that they ‘didn’t know where to look’ when faced with naked patients. Only a tiny fraction of originally-appointed homeopathic doctors are still in place, though they argue this makes them more effective.
Jeremy Hunt told the British Amateur Medicine Journal: ‘Yes there have been hiccups in our roll-out of free Pharmacies, with some Pharmacists being a little too free, prescription wise. And our free dentist service is facing teething problems.’
Despite criticism, the principle is being extended across the rest of the public sector. The Fire Service is currently studying the way gardeners use hosepipes and believes there is ‘synergy’ between the two professions. ‘We are considering putting members of the Fire Brigades Union on gardening leave, freeing up the gardeners to staff the fire service,’ said Hunt.
‘People think that this idea came from free schools but the principle has been used in government for many years now. Put an unqualified person in charge of a department, leave them there until they vaguely start to become competent and then move them.’
NotAmused & nickb