Hopes fading for missing Tesco ‘waste mountain’ climber
Mountain Rescue have officially called-off the search for missing mountaineer, Tim Grey, forty-eight hours after the intrepid explorer went missing near the summit of the ever-growing Tesco ‘waste mountain’. The colossal pile of food and electrical products is said to have recently increased in height by another 2,000-metres, after a new range of gluten-free bread failed to sell.
Grey, who began his expedition back in July, last contacted base three-days ago via satellite phone, but experts fear that a recent dumping of five-thousand Tesco Mobile phones on the mountain’s south face may have interfered with signal strength, effectively cutting-off Grey’s only communication channel.
‘I still think he’s alive; I have to keep believing’, said Emma Grey, wife of the missing climber. ‘He’s an experienced trekker – he conquered Everest just last year. I thought this latest expedition would be a piece of cake for him. The last I heard he had just scaled the notorious ‘Rustler’s Ridge’, a very steep elevation made entirely of microwave cheeseburgers’.
Dennis Kemp, the only mountaineer to have successfully scaled the waste-pile, said: ‘You need to know exactly what you’re doing. Once you’ve passed through Tesco Value-Valley, it’s pretty much a vertical climb up Krispy-Kreme Cliff. It’s not for the faint hearted, but I must say, the views over Banana-Bread Bay are quite spectacular. I fear that Tim may have found himself close to the top, but constant dumping of even crapper products just made it impossible to carry on. Imagine trying to walk up a descending food escalator, having to wade through tonnes of horse burgers and microwave rosti. It’s one step forward and two steps back’.
Said to stand at an eye-squinting 9,000-metres, the Tesco waste mountain grows at an astonishing ‘three-metres per-hour’, from both food and electronics dumping. Retail experts fear that the recent launch of the new ‘Hudl Tablet’ is likely to further add to the issue.Click to send this story to a friend
Posted: Oct 21st, 2013 by Jesus H
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