Mountain Rescue have officially called-off the search for missing mountaineer, Tim Grey, forty-eight hours after the intrepid explorer went missing near the summit of the ever-growing Tesco ‘waste mountain’. The colossal pile of food and electrical products is said to have recently increased in height by another 2,000-metres, after a new range of gluten-free bread failed to sell.
Grey, who began his expedition back in July, last contacted base three-days ago via satellite phone, but experts fear that a recent dumping of five-thousand Tesco Mobile phones on the mountain’s south face may have interfered with signal strength, effectively cutting-off Grey’s only communication channel.
‘I still think he’s alive; I have to keep believing’, said Emma Grey, wife of the missing climber. ‘He’s an experienced trekker – he conquered Everest just last year. I thought this latest expedition would be a piece of cake for him. The last I heard he had just scaled the notorious ‘Rustler’s Ridge’, a very steep elevation made entirely of microwave cheeseburgers’.
Dennis Kemp, the only mountaineer to have successfully scaled the waste-pile, said: ‘You need to know exactly what you’re doing. Once you’ve passed through Tesco Value-Valley, it’s pretty much a vertical climb up Krispy-Kreme Cliff. It’s not for the faint hearted, but I must say, the views over Banana-Bread Bay are quite spectacular. I fear that Tim may have found himself close to the top, but constant dumping of even crapper products just made it impossible to carry on. Imagine trying to walk up a descending food escalator, having to wade through tonnes of horse burgers and microwave rosti. It’s one step forward and two steps back’.
Said to stand at an eye-squinting 9,000-metres, the Tesco waste mountain grows at an astonishing ‘three-metres per-hour’, from both food and electronics dumping. Retail experts fear that the recent launch of the new ‘Hudl Tablet’ is likely to further add to the issue.