Thousands of ‘chronically’ lonely people have suddenly found themselves making last-minute social plans this weekend, after Conservative politician Jeremy Hunt issued a nationwide threat that he may, in the near future, attempt to ‘keep them company’.
‘I’ll be a little like Father Christmas. Emptying my burgeoning sack of ‘good company’ into your smiling face’, declared the Secretary of State for Health. ‘Just imagine arriving home and finding me draped over your couch in a onesie armed with a value pepperoni pizza, a one litre Dr Pepper and a Jenga set? Say goodbye to loneliness and lets start making some memories!’
Jenny Gardener, a serial loner from Newcastle-Under-Lyme, said: ‘I haven’t attended a social event for roughly twelve-years now. I don’t even get invited to the office ‘Christmas Do’. But I’ve had a text message from a ‘Jeremy’ who said he’s ‘popping round’ to sit next to me whilst I watch X-Factor next weekend. It’s very kind of him, but I’ve just remembered I’m going to a wedding. Whose wedding? Erm…maybe… Maybe my own wedding? Then an afternoon drinks with all my many, many, many good friends…whose names escape me at the moment…good friends…and then we’re off to, erm, Alton Towers. Is that open in the evening? Anyway, so I won’t be in on Saturday. I definitely will not be available at any point on Saturday’.