Amid fears that MPs are gerrymandering the Independence Referendum, stonemasons have begun restoration work to Hadrian’s Wall. As one concerned voter said: ‘They’re lumping us Scots together with the most undesirable parts of England. Who’s even heard of Dudley?’
Audrey Willburn, 76, from Morpeth agreed. ‘I don’t want to be forced to eat deep fried mars bars for breakfast, pretend the Commonwealth Games will be a success or learn all of the words to Auld Lang Syne,’ she said, fighting back the tears. ‘Why not spend a little bit more money and build a new wall along the actual border?’
Scottish first minister Alex Salmond vehemently denies the allegations: ‘We are conserving a popular tourist destination in the south of Scotland,’ said a spokesman. ‘Rumours that we have struck a deal with Westminster to annex the last of the Labour voters are utterly groundless. But it is true we have been offered Wales in part exchange for Sir Chris Hoy and tin of shortbread’.