Silver fox and baking big-wig Paul Hollywood has frustrated film producers by refusing the lead role in the movie adaption E.L.James’ novel. This is despite his ability to maintain a brooding intensity while manipulating a ‘pair of buns’, punishing a ‘soggy bottom’ and filling a tart with ‘cream’.
‘Men with an ability to ferociously whip something to within an inch of its life don’t come along everyday’, explained one mogul. ‘Admittedly it’s an egg he’s whipping, but swap the whisk with a leather paddle and you’ve got yourself a natural ‘Dom”.
Mr. Hollywood has committed to more ‘pastry-based ventures’ with the BBC, promising future shenanigans with Mary Berry’s ‘big baps’, ‘crusty bloomers’ and her ‘redoubtable cream pie’. Fifty Shades producers may now need to turn to their second choice for the role – Alan Titchmarsh – who is a seasoned professional at ‘using a hoe’.
Jesus H (hat-tip Beau-Jolly)