Many diehard Royalists have raised concerns today after the Duke and Duchess of Cambridge ‘broke Royal tradition’ by christening their first-born Prince George at the Chapel Royal at St James’s Palace, instead of the music room at Buckingham Palace. However, the British public have been reassured that the other tradition of getting ‘absolutely arseholed’ after a family christening has been firmly upheld.
The royal bender, which lasted ‘well into the evening’, according to seasoned observers, finally came to an end when Thames Valley Police fished a number of semi-naked royals from the banks of the River Thames, just behind Bishop’s Park, where a large group of Chinese tourists had gathered.
Speaking from a very dark and quiet room this morning, Prince Charles, who has been released on bail pending a public order offence hearing, said: ‘One appreciates that a christening is a hugely important ceremony that further commits oneself to the Lord and all that, but one also understands the importance of getting absolutely bladdered at a social club afterward. Now please close the curtains and make one a bacon sandwich’.
The tradition of getting annihilated after a baptism is said to date back thousands of years, with some historians suggesting that it could actually pre-date the sacred ceremony itself. ‘One would not dream of breaking such traditions. We are British after all’, groaned Camilla, Duchess of Cornwall, who admitted that she felt as ‘rough as a badger’s arse after a week hiding in a disused mine in Gloucestershire’.
‘Once we got the ceremony out of the way, we got absolutely obliterated, hit the rhythm rug and made absolute twats of ourselves, just like every other family,’ added Kate Middleton, who insisted on taking part in order to continue her education in royal etiquette. ‘Now do you have any Anadin? I’m hanging out of my arse here’.
Pippa Middleton was unavailable for comment as she was trying to concentrate on writing her ‘How to Get Absolutely Shitfaced at a Royal Christening’ column for Waitrose magazine, in between heaving out of an upstairs window at Buckingham Palace, while simultaneously fighting off the attentions of Prince Harry, who said that he felt fine and that, for him, it had just been a fairly typical night out.