‘Murder Bacon’ to combine the best of Danish
‘It’s a marriage made in heaven, with Danish written all the way through it,” said Lars Smytt, brand manager for Denmark’s latest marketing success, which from tomorrow will feature on mortuary slabs and breakfast tables worldwide, with the slogan ‘Grisly and sizzly!’.’
Murder Bacon will bring together the best of Denmark’s two top exports: ‘grisly’ murder among miserable, remote communities and ‘sizzly’ top-of-the-morning bacon slices, taken from selected farms across Scandinavia’s most depressing country, except maybe Finland. And, in a surprise twist, Smytt himself is probably already dead.
‘I got the idea on a visit two Britain,’ Smytt said in his last ever interview. ‘I read about a protester who said ‘Meat is murder’ and I am a big fan of the suicidal lesbian detective from Silkeborg, Elizabet Sodastrim. Her rough-knit jumpers and traditionally embroidered body bags have been a spin-off hit. And of course I am also an expert in shifting pig cadavers. So it all came to me in a flash of preserved flesh. At first I called it Cure and Kill, before changing it to Murder Bacon.’
From tomorrow, inside one in 10,000 vacuum packs, some streaky consumers will find clues to an unfolding Channel 4 TV murder story. ‘It’s a bit like Willy Wonka, but much darker,’ said Smytt. ‘Customers will find an evidence bag with a single hair, a bloodstained note, a sample of DNA or a used tissue, all hygienically segregated from the cured meat product. These lucky people will use these samples to help solve the TV crime.’
What Smytt needed to complete the idea, was a story. On the second day of his UK visit, he came across the words ‘Outdoor Reared’, which, on second reading, turned out to refer to prepared meat products. ‘I had the motive, the product and the setting: a car park on the outskirts of Doncaster. I phoned Elizabet Sodastrim and the head of Danish Meat Industries that very day.’
A day later, Smytt had disappeared. Some say his suspected murder was a publicity stunt. Others believe it’s the work of a jealous pastry conglomerate from the same country. Others say that his body has been cured and smoked and is now being distributed to supermarkets as part of the promotion, threatening a horsemeat style reaction.
Police are reportedly examining a family size frozen gammon which may have been used in the attack on Smytt. They have also been questioning a famous literary family, about to launch a vegetarian lentil-based detective product, believed to be called ‘Dal M For Murder’.Click to send this story to a friend
Posted: Oct 28th, 2013 by nickb
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