A man described as a ‘twat in a senior management position’ has been found bludgeoned to death in front of a Powerpoint presentation featuring some ‘crappy clip art’ of a stick figure with a light bulb over its head. Early reports suggest that he had used the words ‘robust’ and rigorous’ once to often, and had foreseen that the ‘company’s restructuring would help managers gain traction going forward’.
The victim was described as wearing ‘a drecky Marks & Spencer two piece and light blue stay-pressed shirt (but, as if to claw desperately at the last remaining tendril of his humanity, without a tie)’. But of the thirty plus employees at the ‘team meeting’ none could remember the moment at which the ‘soul-dead management droid’ met his fate as they had all, in their own words, ‘zoned out’. However, CCTV of the meeting shows that at the moment that the ‘dessicated, over-promoted wisp that once was a man’ used the words ‘Robust and Rigorous enforcement of systems’, the entire meeting rose as one and used, chairs, notepads, danish pastries, complementary bowls of mints and flip-charts to bludgeon the speaker into merciful oblivion.
Tensions had apparently been building when it became clear that the manager intended to do a Powerpoint presentation which would involve clicking through a number of mind-numbingly obvious statements, slowly reading out the statements that his audience had already read for themselves, and then giving out printed sheets with the same crushingly-dull cliches printed on the page.
Emergency services were unable to attend the scene as local ambulance service staff were all at a mandatory briefing on ‘Effective Target Setting’. The police investigation is due to begin after they return from compulsory Staff Development on ‘Moving Forward With Best Practice.’
In the meantime, the molecules of the deceased had spontaneously fused and regenerated into their original form and continued the Powerpoint presentation without further interruption.