President Dilma Rousseff has been forced to call off a state visit to Washington, delete her ‘special’ hard drive and adopt a ‘false moustache’ to evade a barrage of US espionage. There is growing evidence that the NSA has stolen Brazil’s online identity to spam Twitter with images of Anthony Weiner, steal Paypal details and flirt with Uruguay on Instant Messenger.
Brasília officials are naturally upset at this example of blatant ‘economic espionage’, at having to ‘switch the family filter back on’ and the loss ‘4gb of lolcats’. More embarrassing still is that NSA files reveal that the South American nation has recently been googling ‘Ways to euthanize the England Supporters Band?’, ‘How to grout an Olympic stadium?’ and ‘Pope Porn’.
Secretary of State John Kerry has confirmed that the US had ‘accidentally’ stumbled across President Rousseff’s computer during a routine search for well known terrorist phrases such as ‘Ipanema lady boys’, ‘Exposed Brazilians’ and ‘Sand in the Vaseline’. ‘For future reference’ said an NSA spokesman. ‘I would advise Brazil to spend a little more time on work related activities, rather than checking sports scores, shopping for new shoes and emailing their grandmother’.