Darth Vader, Lord of the Sith, First General of the Imperial Forces and Destroyer of Alderaan today announced extensive job losses and ‘restructuring’ on the Death Star. Head of Human Resources Moff Tarkin confirmed that the redundancies would affect Galactic Stormtroopers, Technical and Support staff and those guys with back to front snow shovels on their heads.
Reaction to the job losses has been ‘complete devastation’. Stormtrooper Alcmar Shnew said ‘Me and the girlfriend had just put a deposit down on a residential pod. What we going to do now? Nobody’s taking on faceless minions and running down corridors and pushing rebel scum roughly through sliding doors is all I’m trained for.’
In meetings with workforce representatives, the redundancy package of 500 galactic credits per employee was branded by Union Leaders as ‘Derisory’ until Lord Vader used the Force to rip their minds into microscopic shreds.
Remaining staff will be asked to sign new contracts which will include increased hours and pension contributions, reduced holiday entitlement and a requirement to actually HIT SOMETHING when firing those useless pingy rifles.
However for former Sormtrooper Shnew and his colleagues, the outlook is bleak. ‘I’ll probably have to go back to Tatooine and move back in with my mum and dad. Me Uncle Beezo says I can have a job in his Womp Rat Droppings recycling business. But it’s not the same, is it?’