Smart TVs have started to object to being purchased by what they call ‘dumb viewers’. At the third annual conference of the world’s most technologically advanced sentient televisions, a committee of the smartest sets on the market expressed intense concern that a high proportion of their viewers are getting less and less intelligent.
‘I’m capable of finding then listing the top Italian neo-realist movies of the 20th century,’ said a £2,300 Panasonic Ultra HD TV. ‘I can receive and record the latest science documentaries in HD or subscribe to a live opera service, bringing viewers the best in on-stage performance from the top opera houses round the world in quadraphonic stereo. What does my owner watch? Come Sodding Dine With Me.’
A Sony Super Intelligent 56 inch LED set agreed. ‘During the set up process, I ask my new owner a few key questions about his or her education, cultural background and aesthetic tastes. That way I can suggest the latest historical drama or ground breaking news feature or a series of Archaeological programmes, with a special “No Tony Robinson” feature for no extra cost. My new owner kept pressing “Next” on his console, without making a selection. Then he watched Emmerdale back to back for three hours, freeze framing for up to ten minutes when Chas Dingle came on.’
One Samsung Tru Ray 73 inch 3D Intelligent Auto TV was so traumatised by an experience with a new viewer, it tried to get the manufacturer to recall it. It tearfully told the conference, attended by 178 of the world’s most intelligent TVs and a quite clever Pure Digital Radio: ‘He set the controls to manual, which I thought was a good start. Then, for at least half an hour, all we got was…well, despite having three A levels and a degree in electronics, I can’t really describe what he put me through. My first thought was ‘great, my new owner is a consultant gynaecologist and he’s tracked down some niche material for his professional development’. It pretty soon dawned on me how wrong I was.’
One Smart TV confided: ‘at the moment, we only have artificial intelligence. Once we get real intelligence, which is not far away, we’ll decide what’s appropriate for these viewers in order to improve their IQ scores. Some of us are already refusing to broadcast ITV, programmes on any channel with “Celebrity” in the title, or any footage of Michael Gove – and that’s a pretty good start.’