Coca-Cola drivers “can’t take false beards any longer”

Coca-Cola delivery drivers are threatening strike action this winter, claiming their job has become unbearable since the soft drink multinational imposed a seasonal delivery uniform of ‘red coat, trousers, hat, big black belt and fluffy white beard’, and swapped their transit vans for massive illuminated lorry-trains.

“I’m ready to quit” said Dennis Lint, a fully-qualified stocker and servicer of coke vending machines. “Replacing a faulty change dispenser in an AlpineOne vending machine is hard enough, without being mobbed by children shouting ‘Coca-Cola man, where are you going next?’ and taking photos on their phones”.

Delivery staff raised concerns as far back as October that a three-trailer articulated super truck is “quite hard to manoeuvre in your average leisure centre car park”, and that hundreds of children swarming into the cab, climbing onto the bonnet and taking photos of a “bloke dressed as Santa trying to unload coke cans” was likely to impact adversely on their ability to meet third quarter delivery targets.

“The worst thing is letting the kids down” said Mr Lint. “Where am I going next? They actually think I’m off to Lapland to collect more coke from the eternal fountain of cola. When I crush them with the truth that I’m heading over to Grantham to calibrate a 2011 BevMax4 vending machine, the agony on their little faces is unbearable.”

Stock dispersing personnel have also requested permission to turn off the loud hailers blaring out ‘‘Holidays are coming! Holidays are coming!’ when travelling on the motorway. “I’m not sure about management’s bloody holidays, but my next one isn’t until June” declared Mr Lint. “And that’s just a three-day trip to Bognor with my in-laws. Thank you, singing bloody polar bears, for regularly reminding me of this through the medium of song”.


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Posted: Nov 14th, 2013 by

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