The infectious bug, characterised by a variety of symptoms ranging from instant loathing, objection and in some cases masturbation, is called the Miley Virus and is thought to be a more virulent strain of the Billy Ray Virus which was last heard of in the early nineties when millions of sappy housewives suffered achey, breaky hearts as a result of the constant airplay the contagion was given.
And just like its predecessor, the Miley Virus thrives on media coverage and given the right amount of exposure can spread within seconds of visual contact. Repeated exposure can cause twerking disorders and even wreck balls.
“It’s really frightening,” said single mother of two, Holly Sweet, “I’m worried for my little girls. It’s almost impossible these days to keep them from being exposed to this ghastly plague. So, just as a precaution I’ve limited their Internet usage to just 6 hours a night.”
However, this is not the only pathogen to have struck at the nation’s minds recently. Similar to the Miley virus and just as mind-numbingly dangerous is Hopkins lymphoma, a rare form of nagging psychological cancer that besets viewers of daytime TV, causing them to spew vitriolic abuse at their screens whenever an opinionated blonde failed businesswoman offers her views on subjects such as baby names, childhood obesity and shagging married men.
“I blame the TV producers,” said one sufferer, “I mean they’re the ones that allow these infections to spread. Mind you,” he added, “It’s not like the old days when you could’ve ended up with something really nasty like fistulas just from watching Alan Titchmarsh planting his seeds in Charlie Dimmock’s back garden. I’m glad televisual health has moved on since then.”