According to all local news bulletins a thing which just happened across the country, and probably elicited an interview with the Prime Minister or A Famous Person, also happened in our region today. Despite the general crapness of our region, in which nothing notable ever happens, that national thing also happened here, or at the very least we have a tenuous connection with it which justifies an interview with somebody who is demonstrably not the Prime Minister or A Famous Person.
We accept tradition demands that the local news item comes just after the national, ‘proper’ news, which vividly demonstrates our place in the pecking order. We will continue to cover events comprehensively subject to our budget. Here is a crayon picture of a crisp packet blowing across the high street in last month’s storm.
We are resigned to the fact that the End of Days will happen first in London, and the regions will find out some weeks later. Goodnight.