The newly appointed chief of the Co-Op Bank, Ursula Lidbetter, has hinted at an ‘exciting and lucrative’ change of direction for the business. At a hastily convened press conference the new Chief Executive, who gave her name only as “Heisenberg”, praised the spirit of mutuality on which the bank has always been based, which meant that customers would now be offered the innovative range of personal solutions that every other High Street Bank and their executives are currently keeping to themselves.
Products on offer include reasonable mortgages, competitive interest on savings and ‘Pure White’ and ‘Crystal Blue’ in small, neatly and discreetly branded packages at very competitive prices.
With the bank in all sorts of crisis, Ms Lidbetter welcomed a £1.5bn rescue package to deal with “Caustic chemical smells” coming from the back rooms of many high street branches which will keep the business viable and its hidden operations as confidential as before. And a further £20,000 has been allocated for a study to explain why she was conducting the press conference in only a pair of ‘tidy whitey’ underpants.
As the press conference drew to a close Heisenberg stubbed a cigarette out on her tongue and stared the pencil dicks down, till they went away like the little whipped punks they truly were. She later confirmed that the Bank’s headquarters would be moving from Manchester to a mid-sized trailer home on the outskirts of Albuquerque, albeit with a direct line to a secret operations HQ in Bingley.
The re-structuring of the bank’s business model means wide-ranging changes in the customer experience. At the Skelmersdale branch, for example, the bank’s front door is boarded up and customers are instead directed to a nearby lock-up garage, where the door is opened a fraction and a customer adviser directs them to a ’97 Chevvy Impala in a nearby parking lot. There, customers are dealt with by two well built Mexican gentlemen called “Cheech” and “Loco T”.
Commenting on the new look Co-Op customer Bill Jibson said; “actually it’s really efficient, transactions rarely take more than 2-3 minutes and those long queues are a thing of the past. Thing is, I find I have to go to the bank 10-12 times a week and I now live in a wheely bin. Still, it’s better than banking with RBS.”