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Amateur brushers banned from using Oral B Pro-Expert toothpaste

oral b-warePeople with amateur teeth have been banned from buying or using Oral B Pro-Expert toothpaste under new dental healthcare guidelines. Similarly, only those who use their teeth professionally and have a licence to prove it will be able to obtain Colgate sensitive Pro-relief over the counter. And ‘Pro’-rated toothbrushes, both electric and manual, will also now only be available to those who can smile suitably whitely at newly installed till-top electronic teeth recognition scanners.

‘Pro means professional,’ said Mick Smythe of the Professional Toothowners Federation, whose own teeth dabbled in the lower divisions for many years before finally turning pro in March 2003. ‘Expert means ‘knowing what you’re doing’, and to put these products into the hands of people without formal training in professional dentifrices might only lead to unforeseen consequences, unrequited love and, in many cases, shattered dreams.’

Amateur tooth-owner Jeremy Smythers agrees. He told a dental hygiene conference; ‘I for one wouldn’t know where to start with a tube of pro-toothpaste. Which end of the tube to squeeze, for example? What about lid control, which I understand takes two years of intensive study to fully master? And what does all that small print mean? Only people who have sat down and studied every aspect of dental science can truly understand the complex formulae of a properly pro-expert toothpaste. The consequences of inappropriate use? Well, it doesn’t bear thinking about.’

Jenny Schmidt took three years under close supervision before she could go solo with a Colgate Pro Clinica C200 electric toothbrush. ‘It carries responsibilities,’ she said, ‘The C200 is powerful and complicated beast, and yes I get a buzz out of using it, but it would all have been futile if it weren’t for the intensive training I had to be able to properly squirt a bit of paste on this amazing brush and whizz it round my gob. I didn’t have a clue what I was doing before, so thank goodness for all that pro-training from the Colgate people!’

Colgate and Oral-B, while dismissing accusations of elitism, have responded with the introduction of a new all-inclusive dental hygiene regime for the masses, branded as ‘au-Naturel’ which is essentially a twig packaged up beautifully in designer plastic with a sympathetically associated tub of bicarbonate of Soda, all priced at £19.99, available in all good stores and absolutely ideal for an amateur-toothed loved one this Christmas.

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Posted: Nov 24th, 2013 by nickb

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