A local charity is raising awareness of its cause by calling the twelfth month of the year ‘Dismember’ and urging the public to ‘chop one off for us’, it was confirmed yesterday. ‘It doesn’t have to be a whole arm or leg – just below the knee or elbow would be fine’ said a spokesman. ‘It could even be your little fella – we don’t mind what you do as long as you Instagram the panicked reaction of your colleagues when blood starts spurting all over the office breakout area’.
The Carshalton Pet Bereavement Counselling Service is asking volunteers to raise a minimum of £1000 in sponsorship to fund a joining pack comprising a small chainsaw, a large tourniquet, and a wipe-clean leaflet explaining how, for many, losing a pet can be ‘literally like losing a limb’.
‘We’re really encouraging our staff to get on board with this’ said the HR director of a city bank. ‘In a time of staff cutbacks it’s good to see who can really take one off for the team – even if our 15 storey HQ’s lack of a lift might make their future employment impossible. Dismember could be the cheapest alternative to voluntary redundancy since the IT team did their ‘ride up Kilimanjaro naked at night whilst a helicopter showers you with scorpions-athon’ for that donkey sanctuary’.
A leading amputee charity was less keen on Dismember. ‘Losing a limb is a big deal and should not be undertaken lightly’ said a spokesman. ‘Besides, we really, really should have thought of this one first. Our marketing department is rubbish.’
Whether it succeeds or ‘falls over on its arse’, Dismember is unlikely to be the last pun-based charity stunt month, and the general public are urged to be braced for more.