Amazon to weaponize Christmas shopping
Fans of online shopping will soon see unmanned drones dropping a range of seasonal products upon their heads; with Syria already registering an interest in the express of delivery of 800 tonnes of ‘fake snow’. Chief Executive Jeff Bezos has promised, within five years, we can expect to see ‘Octocopters’ depositing 2.3kg packages on unsuspecting schools, wedding parties and terrorists in search of cut price DVDs.
The US Federal Aviation Administration is yet to approve the use of such drones, but admitted that they had already received applications for an Iranian long range ballistic parcel service. A spokesman for Amazon said: ‘While there will inevitably be deaths by ‘friendly delivery’, this is a small price to pay to preserve our freedom, counter terrorism and guarantee next day dispatch’.
Amazon have been exploring the commercial application for other military hardware, with a reduction in the amount of bubblewrap used with Armored Multipurpose Vehicles. In turn the Pentagon has expressed an interest in adopting the Amazon business model; this will include Kindle compatible battle plans, Black Ops Friday and a Chemical Wish List.
Meanwhile, signatories to the Geneva Conventions have expressed concern that the online shopping giant may be gearing up for ‘pre-emptive strikes’ against wayward shoppers. An Amazon spokesman confirmed: ‘This is a new frontier in the internet shopping revolution. We have noticed prospective shoppers sometimes take far too long and then even decide not to buy anything. This bewildering behaviour can now be addressed by identifying the culprits and firing a non lethal dart at them’. As yet, the NSA will not confirm that 5,000 copies of the ‘Hairy Bikers cookbook’ have been mistakenly dropped on the Taliban HQ.
By Wrenfroe, custard cream and blokefromstokeClick to send this story to a friend
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