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Disneyland launches modern-day pirates ride

Disneyland has updated its famous ‘Pirates of the Caribbean’ ride that thrilled so many theme park visitors and inspired the popular Johnny Depp movies. Families will now experience a twenty-first century African hi-jack by real Somali warlords wielding machetes and Kalashnikovs.

‘We are always looking to innovate and improve the Disneyland experience’ said a spokesman for the theme park. ‘And the old pirates’ ride was looking a little old fashioned. Having real live gunmen jump on board, threatening to kill the passengers makes this our most thrilling adventure yet!’ Yesterday visitors to Disneyland, Florida duly queued for an hour to have their gondola seized by a gang of East African gangsters hoping from a massive pay-off from the ship’s insurers. Instead of the little boat going into the tunnel, under a sprinkler and round an animatronic model of an old fashioned buccaneer, the vessel turned the other way and was last believed to be headed for the Somali port of Eyl.

A group of Britons, the Johnson family from Bedford are believed to be on board, and were immediately stripped of all their cash and credit cards. A text from twelve year old Kevin expressed disappointment that the pirates hadn’t even left them £3.50 with which to buy the photo of them screaming and looking really scared the moment the Somalis jumped on board. Negotiations between the pirates and the vessel’s insurers normally take between two to three weeks, although many children ask if they can go straight back and do the same ride again.

Other visitors to Disneyland were excited about the prospect of experiencing the latest attraction at the world-famous adventure park. Asked if they were worried about the dangers of being ripped off by cut throat privateers, who had no shred of morality but only wanted their money, Disney customers said ‘Not at all’, disappointing satirists everywhere.

20th November 2008

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Posted: Dec 2nd, 2013 by NewsBiscuit

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