Mayor of London Boris Johnson has come out as ‘utterly clueless about pretty much everything’, in an emotional five-minute YouTube video uploaded today.
The 49-year-old Conservative politician and TV personality, who has represented London since 2008, posted the video after discussing his ineptitude with close friends and family, who convinced him to ‘face the truth’ by lying on his bed and filming himself talk for five-minutes.
‘I genuinely have no idea what the hell I’m doing’, said Johnson in the shaky video filmed on his iPhone 3GS. ‘I wake up, eat some hot bread, put a crash-hat on and cycle to places. People cheer me and expect me to say something comically inaudible. I’m not actually an intelligent guy; I’m just a blithering idiot, I think. What?’
‘I think it was in spring this year’, continued Johnson, ‘I was on my way to a fun-day in Peckham where I would be catapulted in to a giant ball-pen dressed as a spaceman and I just asked myself, ‘where am I? Was I interviewed for this job? I’m not a spaceman, I hate space. I’m Boris, born in the United States of USA’. My whole world changed, right there and then’.
Friend and colleague, David Cameron, said: ‘I think he’s terribly brave, coming out like that. It takes major balls to admit that you’re in a high-powered job and have the IQ of a split pea. I’ve always known, but we’re mates, I didn’t want to press the issue. He’s just an idiot, but he’s nice and his hair is really funny’.
Personal assistant and close friend, Jenny Broad, said: ‘I realised something was up when I found him outside arguing with a traffic cone. I don’t think people who do that should receive lots of money. I wrapped him in a warm towel, took him to bed and called his family to organise an intervention. I’m glad he can finally be himself’.
When asked if he’s ever had a CV, Boris replied: ‘absolutely not! I always wear protection’.