In a landmark decision, by mankind’s closest living relative, chimpanzees have voted overwhelming to reject North American naturalization. The Nonhuman Rights Project is appealing for ‘Tommy’ the chimp to be granted the ‘fundamental right of bodily liberty’, but having ‘looked at Gitmo’ Tommy would prefer to take a ‘rain check’.
Despite a New York court debating his legal status, Tommy admits he has little to gain from a life of low taxation, junk food and gun crime. Meanwhile,chimpanzee society has much to be proud of – conquering space travel before humans and the simian George.W.Bush becoming the first alpha male to achieve the Presidency.
With its mastery of basic tools, grasp of aspects of human language and delight in hurling faeces your average America has much in common with their ape cousins. It has been noted that males can become very aggressive when deprived of cheap larger and cable sports but, as yet, chimps do not appear to be territorial when it comes to Middle Eastern oil fields. When asked to comment, a chimpanzee spokesman rolled his eyes, made a sucking noise and inserted a banana up one nostril.