An undercover police operation has revealed that a Mafia-like organisation is behind the huge number of retired people queuing in banks and post offices during lunchtimes. Pensioners across the country are being strategically deployed between noon and 2pm to bring frustration and anger to the working public under the overall control of one man known only as ‘The Godgrandfather.’
Based on the principles of organised crime syndicates, the gangs are believed to be significantly manipulating local economic activity. It was discovered that many factions of this organisation meet at coffee mornings to discuss their evil plans for the day. They then split up into terrorist cells, each with their role clearly defined – one goes to the post office with inadequately-wrapped parcels for cousins in Mozambique, others go to the banks with big bags of mixed coins that they haven’t counted, while a specialist cell queues up at each of the ‘10 Items or less’ supermarket checkouts with items that have mysteriously had their barcodes removed.
One pensioner who takes part in this ritual most days is Donald ‘everyone calls me Don’ Isherwood from Basingstoke. ‘I know we’ve got all day but there’s nothing more entertaining in our lives nowadays than being annoyingly friendly and chatty with the person behind the counter while those behind us keep looking at their watches as their brief lunch break ebbs away,’ he said.
Police also found that an elaborate country-wide rota is in place to maintain full coverage every day of the week. Pensioners sign up for the days they are available each week such that the action can be carefully co-ordinated. ‘But we understand it’s all very relaxed and comfortable for the participants,’ explained a police spokesman. ‘It’s their own thing, we think they call it the cosy roster.’