David Cameron has promised £132 million annual funding to research Alzheimer’s diseases by 2025, on the understanding that no attempt will be made to remind voters of his failure to reform the banking industry, his ‘selfie’ at Nelson Mandela’s funeral or his life-size Nick Clegg doll.
The Care Quality Commission will now monitor dementia sufferers through cognitive tests, including flashcards containing coalition policy. A CQC inspector revealed: ‘If patients mistakenly identify George Osborne as ‘the smug paperboy’, the centre is funded. But not if they refer to him as a ‘colossal numpty who has put 40,000 firms out of business’.
‘Many elderly voters are blissfully unaware of the erosion of worker’s rights, the housing shortage or the fact that someone’s turned the heating off,’ said a government spokesman. ‘Before we plough too much money into this, wouldn’t you prefer to be stuck in a time when England won the Ashes and Iain Duncan Smith was nowhere near the cabinet?’