Google CEO Larry Page and Pope Francis have joined forces to create Google SoulView, an Android and iPad app which analyses a person’s search history and suggests a suitable penance.
‘Basically, most internet users are going to Hell,’ said Page. ‘Yes, you, Arthur Bennett of Halifax, searching repeatedly for “hot nurse bending over in short dress”. Or you, Patrick Jenn of Islington, searching for “schoolgirl with big jugs in PE kit”. You people make me sick.’
Pope Francis has offered the online masturbation community absolution through the app, by ticking the box labelled “I accept the terms of contrition listed above” and saying the required number of Hail Marys.
Page added that he just wanted to use Google as a force for good. ‘We’ve also been approached by Santa, asking us who should be on his Naughty List. Unfortunately, that’s every male except Sir Cliff Richard. Sorry.’