England football manager Roy Hodgson has welcomed Uruguay’s decision to allow the cultivation, possession and personal use of marijuana as a potential boost to England’s seemingly forlorn hope of qualifying from a tough group in the World Cup and going on to lose on penalties to Portugal in the knock-out stages.
England has never beaten the middle income South American nation with a population almost 9% of its own, but expectations are high within the English FA that, with six months for the Uruguayan team to acclimatise to the new regime, all their players will turn up in Sao Paulo on 19 June completely off their muscular tits.
‘We’ve developed a whole new set of tactics around how we expect them to play,’ enthused Hodgson. ‘For the first half they could well be staring at the lights changing on ad hoardings, pointing at things and giggling. I see their midfield looking up at the ball at it goes on Route 1 from our goalmouth to theirs and falling over backwards like penguins as it whistles overhead.’
FA Chairman Greg Dyke, accompanying Hodgson, smilingly replaced his ‘cut-throat’ gesture when the draw was made by miming inhaling deeply and slumping down in his chair looking ‘chilled’. Morale in the England camp, Dyke said, is now ‘sky high, man’.
‘Then if they could come back at us in the second half,’ cautioned Hodgson, ‘we’ll be watching closely to see when the giggling stops and will need to adjust our game plan again. We’ll run the ball up to the defence, stop, distract them with a bag of Monster Munch, get round behind them, back of the net. Super.’
Research is still going on into the likely effects of the new laws on Uruguay’s main threat, Luis Suarez. Some believe that he will stop playing and start a commune in the stands, while others fear that he will be more effective than ever if he outruns Kyle Walker in an aimless sprint toward the corner flag while impersonating a cockerel and then invites Ashley Cole for group sex with his wife.
Hodgson added that he will take it one game at a time but if England get a result against Uruguay, anything is possible. ‘A lot depends on Wayne Rooney keeping his toes out of trouble, Jack Wilshere not smoking anything at all, oh, and Joe Hart getting his confidence back by taking a shitload of cocaine.’