‘Fruity wizards’ told to avoid Russia

The UK Foreign Office has advised all members of the Fellowship of the Ring not to travel to Russia, where new laws based on the belief that sexual orientation is determined by early exposure to fantasy novels, it is feared, may soon extend to ‘fruity wizards’, ‘effete elves’ and ‘dwarves in sailor suits’.

‘British literary heroes have long been sending subliminal messages to the resolute peoples of Russia to grasp Harry Potter’s wand and come out of the Narnia closet,’ stated the Russian Ministry of Foreign Affairs, which has made clear its preference for ‘butch’ Nazguls and their ‘utterly heterosexual’ ring fixation.

A spokesman said: ‘Whilst we respect Sir Ian McKellen’s right to mince around the Shire, the Russian Federation is staunchly behind muscular orcs. With their strong green arms, flowing matted locks and come-to-bed squint, they embody Russian family values.’ As yet, President Vladimir Putin has refused to get drawn on the Dumbledore debate, in part due to his cameo role in the films as Dobby the House Elf.


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Posted: Dec 13th, 2013 by

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