North Korea has announced that it has once again proven the superiority of its socialist system by having its Christmas dinner family argument earlier than any other country in the world. ‘Great Successor’ Kim Jong-un has ‘decisively pre-empted’ any potential disruption or family dissent over the forthcoming festive period by having his uncle Chang Song-thaek executed.
It is understood that the Great Successor was already annoyed by his uncle’s feeble pun of referring to him as ‘young ‘un’ in a cod Yorkshire accent that simply did not work coming from a 67-year-old Asian man with no English. Initially he decided to resolve the issue over who sat next to who at Christmas dinner by unfriending Chang Song-thaek on Facebook. Unfortunately this did not work, because North Korea does not have the internet.
‘Uncle Chang continued to undermine his nephew’s position at the head of the table by insisting on carving the turkey himself,’ claimed the South Korean foreign ministry. ‘The final straw came when Chang tried to plan the ultimate Christmas coup d’etat by wresting control of the TV remote. Kim then ordered him to be shot, a plot development he is thought to have gleaned from the trailer for the Christmas Day edition of Eastenders.’
Kim continued the purge, later personally telling joyful crowds at the Kim Il Sung Memorial Grotto that Rudolph the red-nosed running dog of imperialist warmongers and bourgeois careerism had been purged from the elite Peoples Reindeer Cadre. ‘Under interrogation by State Security, Rudolph admitted to using his red nose as a beacon to guide drone attacks onto the collective farms geared to producing a bumper harvest of Brussels sprouts,’ he said.
According to official radio, vigilant North Korean citizens have denounced the traitorous Rudolph as a saboteur after the failed launch of the nuclear-powered people’s sleigh, designed, built and piloted by the Great Successor.
The remaining family members of the ruling family are now believed to be drawing lots for the traditional Russian roulette cracker pulling contest with Kim on Christmas Day for fear of him not getting the paper hat, understanding the festive joke or being reminded that he didn’t like the pair of socks they got for him on the black market last Christmas.
A collectivised effort: Irreverend J, from original by Titus, with contribution by Blokefromstoke