Presidential polls have closed in a small island in the Eastern Mediterranean that has been the subject of on-off warfare between two countries, neither of whom want it, and which has therefore been forced to go independent. Known to Turks as Elin Buz Gibi, Gortun Karpuz Gibi (Your Hand is Like Ice, Your Ass is Like a Watermelon) and to Greeks as Den Boro Na Artesoun Oikonomika Auto (I Can’t Afford THAT), the island has long been fought over by its neighbours to the North and West.
‘For hundreds of years, the turquoise waters surrounding our rock have flowed red with the blood of Greeks and Turks, who wouldn’t be caught dead curling up their toes or twirling their moustaches on the place,’ said local resident Dimitrios Ilmaz. ‘Instead, they fight to the death not to possess it, as evidenced by the island’s original names, which translate roughly to ‘Take It/No, You Take It’, or the more recent variations ‘Son of a Donkey!/Limp Cucumber!’.
Due to a clerical error and the local tradition of referring to citizens by their middle names, it has emerged that Mustafa Stavros Bogaboku, the sole candidate and clear front runner in all two pre-election polls, has lost by a landslide among the 725 registered votes to his ne’er-do-well cousin, Stavros Mustafa Bogaboku, who was not actually standing, having fled to Uzbekistan soon after birth to escape conscription. Results are final and binding, so the reluctantly independent, unwanted nation will soon have an equally reluctant and unwanted leader.
The defeated candidate immediately called his cousin, who is currently on holiday in Cuba, to congratulate him on becoming President-Elect. He is now sharing a drink with reporters, a glass of ‘rocko’, a unique blend of Turkish raki and Greek ouzo that is affectionately known as ‘bulls’ semen’ for its cloudy, irritable nature, all the while reminiscing about the good old days, when men were men and women were also men, when candidates who won elections were among the candidates who were running.