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Disillusioned teen wakes up to the ugly side of vampirism

fangs for nothingThoughts of eternal bliss in the company of vampire heart-throb Robert Pattinson and the ethereal Kristen Stewart swam through her head when 16 year old Trudy Bellamy took her vampire oath at the back of the East Grinstead community centre. Fellow Goth and latest crush Charlie Henshall assured her that their love would transcend all mortal bounds as well as the promise of an occasional threesome with Bob himself.

But Charlie’s sticky love bite and ill-placed fingernail woke her from her dreamlike state. Vampirism it seemed was no longer a suitable lifestyle choice for the impressionable Trudy. It was ‘yucky, ugly and ‘effin’ painful’ she declared, smarting from that intimate scratch. So with a quick knee to Charlie’s groin she was back to reality.

‘I was like thinking that becoming a member of the undead would secure my long term future,’ said Trudy in an interview with East Grinstead Courier and Observer, ‘after reading all them books and seeing all them films in the Twilight series I was like really hoping for a life of fantasy and romance with the occasional excursion into suspenseful horror comedy. But all I got was a few fumbles in the cemetery and a weird night spent whittling an old stick into a point.’

Trudy’s former head teacher, Phil Carlisle said, ‘We have an increasing number of young people who regard vampirism as a suitable post-16 option. In year 11 they are just about getting over Harry Potter and putting thoughts of full time wizardry behind them, it’s then that they can suddenly get embroiled in vampirism through an unceasing diet of Twilight. In our day the chief influencers were Doris Day and Muffin the Mule and it never did us any harm.’

Trudy has now decided to get her mortal life back on track and is exploring more achievable and aspirational lifestyle choices. ‘I’m well over that phase in my life now, so after I complete my BTEC Level 3 in Hair and Beauty I want to become a full time WAG and glamour model. Vampires totally suck.’

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Posted: Dec 15th, 2013 by Dick Everyman

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