Following the FIA’s announcement that the final race of the season will now be worth double points, further changes have now been announced to make F1 not quite so boring.
Qualifying is to be replaced with an interpretive dance, in which race engineers and professional dancers choreograph a piece to be performed by each driver and scored by a panel of experts, including Bruno Tonioli and Tamara Ecclestone.
Teams will also be given a ‘joker’ at the beginning of the season, allowing them double points in a race. Any who are unlikely to score points will instead be given one Blue Shell, capable of tracking down the leader and knocking him off track.
Finally, to repeat the excitement of the 2013 British Grand Prix, where multiple tyre failures added mass unpredictability, a sniper will be placed in a tower overlooking the first corner and supplied with one bullet every five laps.
‘I shouldn’t worry too much,’ an F1 spokesman reassured outraged fans. ‘Vettel will piss it again anyway.’