In their pursuit to fill the vacancy left by Sunday’s X-Factor winner, Sam Bailey, HMP Gartree in Leicestershire has announced plans to scrap its traditional hiring policies and instead host the UK’s first ever ‘Screw Factor’.
Bosses at the Category B men’s prison have said they were inspired to adopt the more modern and glitzy approach after watching their former employee hit the big time on ITV.
The unique competition has already seen over 3,000 entrants apply, all hopeful of securing the dream contract of £23,000 for a year of fame, self-realisation, and managing the dreams of people with hope but also a sob-story to tell, or lags, as they are usually known.
Sam Bailey, who won a one million pound record deal with Sharon Osbourne, a Christmas number one spot and probably a book deal, said: ‘I think what they’re doing at the prison is great. I’m on a bit of a roll right now, so I might actually enter it myself next year, as long as I can find someone to look after the kids.’
Andrew Thomas, Chief Officer at the Midlands-based prison, who will be offering the lucky winner, let’s say it again, an eye-watering £23,000-per-year, with a decent pension – matched – and 22-days paid holiday, said; ‘For many, it’s a dream. It’s tough out there, and not to be sniffed at. But it could be worse; imagine being sentenced to spend every day for the next year with Gary Barlow. Uuuahhgh!’
He added; ‘Contestants will be judged on their truncheon-wielding ability, the legibility of their handwriting on health and safety forms, and the effective retrieving of shanks from really large and angry men. I’m proud to have been named as one of the expert judges on the panel, along with a couple of government officials, a retired policeman, and for reasons not immediately clear to me, Amanda Holden. It’s really very exciting’.
Set to be held in Market Harborough Town Hall, Screw Factor has a closing date of January 17th, and will accept applications via email, providing that the CVs and cover letters are correctly attached.
‘I suppose I’m a little like Simon Cowell in a way; we both look to take the most disillusioned and desperate off the streets and give them a chance to make something of themselves, and to think that their future somehow lies with me is something I’m coming to appreciate and, yes, relish,’ concluded Andrew, ‘but that’s probably because I, too, am a man who wears his trousers really high, and also an utterly narcissistic bastard.’
Jesus H, with expert input from Katewritesstuff