As the latest round of sackings among top-flight managers hit home this weekend leaving the nation’s most prestigious club competition in complete disarray, the government’s emergency committee, Cobra, was hastily convened and concluded that the only viable option to get the league back on track and reassure the general punters was to bring in the troops.
‘It couldn’t be allowed to go on with less than 20% of Premier League clubs under any effective control,’ said pundit Alan Hansen, who fully supports the intervention, ‘but with a robust Brigadier General now at the helm of every team you can begin to dream that at last we can sort this mess out, with passion, grit, and maybe the crowds could be rewarded by the occasional fight to the death. That’s the sort of commitment the game’s been lacking this year.’
With extensive training in tactics for attack, defence and skirting round the opposition’s flanks, the new managers are expected not only to bring discipline and drive back to the game but, it’s acknowledged, may also make each game a challenge for the match officials. ‘Any tackle involving small arms, well that has to be a straight red card,’ said TV veteran commentator John Motson, ‘and for serious incidents we could see the referee given no option but to throw the Geneva convention at them. But, you have to say, it’ll be enthralling stuff!’
The race for the title now looks set to be intense, but as with any military interventions there are unlikely to be any winners, as such. ‘Of course someone will lift the cup and we’ll all acknowledge their victory,’ said Prime Minister David Cameron, who ultimately gave the go-ahead for the army’s deployment. ‘But for the rest, it’s not surrender, capitulation, an embarrassing reverse, or anything like that, and to suggest otherwise would just be silly.’
‘All they’ll really need to say is “Mission Accomplished”, he added. ‘That always goes down well with the fans.’
(from the original idea by dominic_mcg)