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Government announces help for the poor with launch of ‘Big Society’ magazine

help for plebs The government has announced the publication of a new magazine called ‘The Big Society’ which will be sold on street corners by hard-pressed families, enabling them to earn money and regain self-respect rather than begging for state handouts.

In an exclusive interview in the first edition, David Cameron says, ‘Frankly it’s not enough for families who rely on food banks to just sit there and take it as we praise their stoicism and commitment to family values while taking their benefits away. Now, proceeds from the sale of this magazine, which in this issue has contributions from myself, Vince Cable, George, and of course, er, what’s his name, er, oh yes, Nick, will go to the families who sell them and who will at last again be able to pop along to Waitrose with the profits to buy their family provisions, just like everyone else.’

The government will take a small cut in the cover price of £1 amounting to 72p, or 72% net in tax terms with the rest being used by the families to buy all those increasingly expensive food and fuel items which are excluded from the official figures on retail price inflation. ‘That’s 28% of a pound for each issue sold going right into the pockets of hard working families, something the last administration never once managed, or even had the wit to imagine,’ trumpeted the Prime Minister.

Homeless people throughout the country, or shirkers as Ian Duncan-Smith has called them, are however concerned by the new magazine and are already being forced to move on from established pitches where they sell the Big Issue to make way for hordes of families-of-five.

‘I like the new format, I appreciate the sentiment, but where does this leave me?’ said Hugo Victor, of no fixed abode since, you know, the Credit Crunch, ‘The articles are great, editorials are right in line with my way of thinking, but to be honest I’m more interested in all those ads for payday loans on every other page – no questions asked – which for a man in my predicament are very appealing, I must say.’

‘This magazine will transform the situation for people who are struggling throughout Britain to make their lives better in these difficult times,’ said Mr Cameron. ‘Although, frankly, having seen the record retail figures coming in from shopping centres in Birmingham, Manchester and even, would you believe, Liverpool over the last few days, I find myself asking the same question as everyone else: Recession? What bloody recession?’

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Posted: Dec 22nd, 2013 by NewsBiscuit

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