With UK banks soon to follow the US in allowing customers to pay in cheques via their mobile, the Treasury has announced that our entire photographic library is to become an acceptable form of payment by 2017. Account holders will regularly upload images of the inside of their pocket, blurred relatives and the occasional photobomb by Pope Francis.
There is some concern that certain popular photo formats will be subject to hyperinflation; for example the obligatory picture of a new pair of shoes, the results of a successful diet or a webcam shot of your neighbour’s shower. Likewise exchange rates are still fluid, with one Anthony Weiner weiner currently trading for 3000 Cameron/Obama selfies.
The UK Payments Council will abolish all cheque payments by 2018, embracing what a spokesman for Barclays referred to ‘the perfect synergy between 21st century banking and narcissism’. Sort code will be determined by angle of camera tilt and the pout will replace customer’s signatures.
Virtual banking will allow for faster transactions and endless self-portraits of overly-sexualized teenage girls with low self esteem. The banking industry has reiterated that ‘revenge porn’ will not be an acceptable form of coinage, ‘unless it involves Harry Styles’. The spokesman confirmed: ‘Smartphones will allow us revolutionize what we see as currency. Selfies of ‘My Nana’s funeral’ could soon become as priceless as a Kim Kardashian side-boob, a Canadian Mayor on crystal meth or Justin Bieber autofellating.’
Chief Secretary to the Treasury Danny Alexander insisted that the changes would ‘democratise wealth’ and create a new generation of private entrepreneurs. ‘After all, we fully expect that once the new digital economy gets going, all those ill-advised shots of your own penis or vajazzle will be the new ‘bits coins’. Or whatever they’re called.’ But critics point out that this will simply make existing social media giants even richer; even Alexander admits: ‘on that basis, Facebook are sitting on a fucking fortune.’
Wrenfoe, with hat tips to Squudge and Kevin the Swan