Middle-aged geeks are anticipating another year of broken promises, as the mediocre reality that is 2014 falls short of our vision of cloud cities, time travel and cheese in a can. Despite a decade elapsing since Arthur C. Clarke’s guarantee of alien contact, we are still to see automatic doors that go wooosh, Betamax in HD or a decent tune by One Direction.
In the absence of enormous slabs of black granite telling us what to do, mankind has focused its scientific energies on a cure for listless hair, the invention of the Slanket and finishing Candy Crush. The closest thing to science fiction we have come to has been US banking regulations, James Corden’s popularity and Lara Logan’s reporting. For some reason we had overlooked the futuristic wonderment that is flatpack furniture, food stamps and anal bleaching.
Having replaced encyclopedia with the oh-so-accurate wiki equivalent, we have merrily embraced 3D printers, Google Glasses and the Mc Sandwich. However, one scientist confessed he was still forced to make light sabre noises while wielding vacuum attachments: ‘Some future technologies are already here. There is the automated car or ‘taxi driver’ as we call it. There is the cryonic suspension of Bruce Forsyth. And women’s breasts have long pioneered eye tracking software. But I’m still having to wait for lower electricity bills, Taylor Swift to find true love and Spurs to win the title.’
As we move into the future onboard our segways – will we ever find the planet ‘Boldlygo’ where ‘no man has gone before’? 2014 is missing a giant, glowing, omniscient baby but there is still some hope that we will be fed meals-in-a-pill by robot butlers while sitting on our iPotty. A spokesman for the Department for Business Innovation & Skills declared: ‘This year we will have faster than light travel with the Hs2, super computers with the relaunch of the commodore 64 and if you want an invisibility cloak, just delete your Facebook account’.