The government funded scheme, which aims to reduce cases of stress and depression throughout the UK, has advised everybody who plans to compose an inspiring and ambitions Facebook status that they will face a series of ‘cutting and sobering questions’, at some point in June, such as; ‘aren’t you supposed to be in Cambodia’? Or; ‘why are you still seventeen-stone?’
Jennifer Richmond, who will be managing the nationwide campaign throughout the year, said; ‘our studies indicate that managing your expectations effectively on New Year’s Eve goes a long way to eliminating stress and depression for the rest of the year. We’re basically here to make sure you don’t raise the bar too high’.
Jennifer, whose two-thousand-strong team of researchers trawled through Facebook on New Year’s Eve, placing all your promises and plans on a giant spreadsheet, concluded with a warning; ‘don’t think you can get away with something really vague but deep, like; ‘new year, new me’. Rest assured we’ll be knocking on your door in the summer to ask; ‘are you new yet? What is it that’s happened over the last six-months that’s made you ‘new’?’
Emma Parry, a Facebook user of six-years, said; ‘I think this is a great idea. I’ve spent so long thinking of ways to impress my friends with really exciting ideas and plans for the year ahead, but I always feel empty and unfulfilled come May. My last Facebook status this year will be, ‘I plan to go to work everyday as normal, and I might go abroad in August, if I can afford it. Happy New Year’. Now if anything extra happens, it’ll be a lovely bonus.’
Tom Wilson of Newport, who has only just read through the details of the radical campaign, but had already updated all of his 547 Facebook friends with his plans to ‘travel the world’, ‘go to the gym four times a week’ and ‘go back to university’ said; ‘Oh bollocks.’