‘Whether your name is Schmidt, Weiss, Kruft, Jaeger or Heinemann you may be in particular danger,’ said safety official, Klaus Von Gruber at a press conference in the resort of St Moritz today. ‘As a precaution we are urging you to keep away from the Alps or other snow-capped regions around the world.’
Other nationalities have been told that they are perfectly safe unless they have a German ancestral link. ‘For example, if your family changed its name from Saxe-Coburg and Gotha to Windsor after WW1 then you could be in serious sheisse.’
Ryanair has already started to warn passengers with German names to ditch their skis, for a small surcharge, at the airport and head off to warmer climes such as Egypt or Libya. In the meantime ski resort officials are checking CCTV and mobile phone footage for any evidence of deliberate pushing or the laying of trip wires by other foreign nationals.
A spokesman for the Auswärtiges Amt, the German Federal Foreign Office said ‘The chances of any German coming to any harm in a North African resort is slightly less than hitting an obstacle on the ski-slopes, unless of course you are involved in a serious beach towel incident.’
Mixed parties are also being warned that they may be in danger with or without a Helmut.