Wigs flew, gowns were ripped and silk breeches muddied as senior members of the British Judiciary rioted in the Inns of Court yesterday afternoon. Many senior judges and lawyers say they are ‘at the end of their tether’ at having to preside over criminal cases involving poor people, causing barristers to run amok in London’s famous and historic legal district.
‘I have rioted today because many of those who appear before me are, for want of a better word, plebeian,’ said Lord Justice Smythe while biting a policeman. ‘Time was when judges of my stature were called upon exclusively to preside over criminal cases involving cabinet ministers’ sexual pecadilloes, or Old Etonians’ driving irregularities. Now, any Tom Dick or Harry expects to have the right to jury trial in the highest court of the land, with all the associated luxurious pomp and ceremony.’
Lord Justice Smythe went on to praise the new fast-track justice system outsourced to G4S. The scheme means defendants can be arrested, Tasered, found guilty, Tasered again for training purposes, helped down police station steps and issued with a Vodafone Pay as You Go tag, all within in 24 hours. Many prisoners are even lost so they don’t worry the justice system at all.
Senior Recorder Sir Anthony Smith told Court Two at the Central Criminal Court yesterday: ‘I must, with some regret, adjourn the protracted costly and complex proceedings this afternoon to avail myself of the age-old right of unlawful assembly. It is my intention to break the window of Wine Merchant of the Year at 28 The Strand, WC1, 4EF, using an umbrella previously looted from Turnbull and Asser. I will then purloin three bottles of the much underrated 1966 Fonseca Vintage Port, before running amok down Middle Temple Lane in contravention of the Public Order Act 1978. The Clerk of the Court has kindly suggested slogans I may or may not shout while going bonkers, in a frenzy of justified rage. These may include ‘The legitimacy of some junior police officers could be called into question!’; ‘The current Justice Minister has made some controversial decisions!’ and ‘Who ate all the venison pies?’’