Candy Crush addict admits selling body online for ‘extra lives’
Patricia Willcox, a 46-year-old from Tooting, said she first noticed the extent of Brian’s issues with the popular ‘match-three’ game, when she discovered the 51-year-old ‘entertaining strangers’ via webcam, in return for extra ‘lives’ on Christmas Eve.
‘It got to the point where I couldn’t bear to be with him anymore’ said exasperated Patricia. ‘When your loving husband of twelve-years snubs your home cooked food in favour of a bag of Skittles, you know something’s wrong.’
‘Christmas dinner was a nightmare’, she added. ‘Brian pushed his dinner aside, emptied five bags of hard-boiled sweets on the table and began frantically rearranging them, before laughing maniacally, and smashing them to pieces with a claw hammer. If one of us tried to eat a sweet or accidentally jogged the table, he’d stare us down and begin growling like a dog. The kids were traumatised by the experience, and are having counselling sessions at school. I just want my old life back.’
Dr. Knubwell, Brian’s GP, claims that his shocking addiction to the game is not uncommon, and that there are now various programmes available for people who feel that their usage of the game is becoming uncontrollable. ‘Having to offer support to people like Brian is becoming quite routine’, said Dr. Knubwell. ‘I believe Candy Crush rehab is now its own specialist branch of nursing. I offer a step-by-step programme which involves ‘Tetradone’ a treatment which introduces the addict to small but regular doses of Tetris. This works in a similar way to the prescription of methadone to heroin addicts.’
Having been the first to complete the program, Brian is well on the road to recovery, and his goal is to help others realise the evils of sweet abuse, by becoming the oldest HGV driver in the UK to retrain as a dentist.
‘Brian’s story is one of success and courage,’ says Dr Knubwell, ‘but in the unlikely event of the Tetris therapy failing, the next stage of treatment involves prescribing sufferers regular doses of heroin – an addiction which is all together more easily treatable.’
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Posted: Jan 9th, 2014 by Guest
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