Russia accuses US of ‘climate theft’

In an increasingly bizarre and uncomfortable press conference today, Vladimir Putin has levelled charges of climate theft at the United States.

The Russian Premier, appearing to be somewhat bewildered and confused, claims that this is an attempt to derail the preparations for the Sochi games.

‘First the bombers, now the US steals our piste! We should be chest deep in snow, but the ski slopes are as naked and smooth as my recently shaved and oiled torso’ he ranted, struggling to remove his shirt. There was then an embarrassed pause as the Premier then struck a number of manly, non-homoerotic poses for the bemused press corps before being bundled away by an aide.

An unofficial communique from the US State Department has confided they would happily return the errant weather system at the earliest opportunity, but are somewhat bogged down in their own infrastructure problems, fuck you very much, you mad Russian bastard.

It is believed that the relocated polar vortex is the work of a shadowy organisation based in Switzerland, whose avowed aim is the significant disruption and general buggeritude of global sporting events.

‘This is nothing’ bragged their leader, identified only as ‘EssBee’, ‘Just wait and see what we’ve got arranged for Qatar.’


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Posted: Jan 10th, 2014 by

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