Stop & Search to be replaced by Slap n’ Tickle

While the inquest into Mark Duggan’s death may have exonerated officers, the Independent Police Complaints Commission is expected to recommend a radical overhaul of community policing, acts of foreplay and anything involving inflatable fruit. With over 27% of stop and search actions lacking ‘legitimacy’, the Home Office had strongly recommend a more flirtatious approach by law enforcement agencies.

The early 80s were blighted by a series of riots, set against backdrop oppressive policing, bad electro-pop and widening shoulder-pads. Likewise the civil disturbances in North London in 2011 were significantly provoked by Duggan’s shooting, Brian McFadden’s solo career and Ann Hathaway’s use of Harem Pants. As one officer explained: ‘The moment that Chris Brown threatened to ‘Wet the Bed’ we knew we would have a riot on our hands.’

A spokesman for the Commissioner, Sir Bernard Hogan-Howe, promised ‘firm but fruity’ policing: ‘Yes, we will be slapping. But this will be tempered with genital tickling, followed by a light truncheon caress and a soupçon of taser titillation’. As protestors gathered on the steps of the Royal Courts of Justice shouting ‘No justice, no peace’, police officer’s replied with offers of ‘bump n’ grind’, ‘harlem shake’ and renditions of ‘how’s your father?’.

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Posted: Jan 10th, 2014 by

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