Metropolitan Police officers in London are to start being nicer on Tuesdays, Scotland Yard has announced. ‘We’ll not be murdering news vendors, perverting the course of justice, leaking news to tabloids for money or tampering with evidence, and we’ll keep institutional racism to the absolute minimum necessary,’ said the Met’s Head of PR Beryl Smithers.
As a whole culture can take a long time to change, Smithers added that the Met will be rolling out these initiatives starting next Tuesday week and by the end of 2015 we could extend to Wednesday mornings, taking into account early closing. ‘We will have to take into consideration dwindling funds caused by paying damages to Andrew Mitchell. But it’s a start.’
To show that the police really mean to be nice from now on, Kevin Wallis, the officer at the heart of the ‘Plebgate’ affair, is now under investigation for the murders of Ian Tomlinson, Stephen Lawrence, Mark Duggan, Julius Caesar and other yet-to-be murdered victims, as well as for not looking scruffy enough when working under cover.
‘There is always one rotten apple in the barrel,’ said Smithers, ‘as Scotland Yard catering staff know all too well. On these special Tuesdays we will give out all the nice apples to people on London’s streets. And when, on those rare occasions, we do encounter the rotten apple, make no bones about it, we will have specially trained officers publicly truncheon-puree it in a symbolic display of anger and shame and give the resulting compote to charity.’
‘Fruit with any imperfection has no place in the Metropolitan Police barrel. In fact, how about this, we will call the initiative ‘Operation Barrel’ and roll out the barrel initiative on Tuesday week for the TV cameras. On other weekdays, officers and suspects will continue to do the controversial and dangerous Lambeth Walk, which traditionally takes place down the back steps of Brixton Police Station.’