NewsBiscuit

The news written by you…

Self-fellatio injury blamed on the Lynx Effect

overstretchedA 38-year-old Kent man is recovering in hospital today after dislocating his spine in an incident which he claims was caused by the ‘Lynx Effect’. ‘Peter’, who lives with his parents, was rushed to A&E last night after his dad found him lying contorted on his bedroom floor with his pants over his face, wearing just his socks and surrounded by 26 assorted cans of the deodorising body spray.

‘I became addicted to Lynx after watching the advertisements on TV,’ admitted the shy singleton from Gillingham. The promise of being chased down by hundreds of beautiful women running in slow motion in bikinis is widely believed to await those men who smother themselves with the fragrant aerosol. Unfortunately, the makers had failed to carry out enough research on what the Lynx Effect might do to men.

After months of unsuccessful attempts at attracting women while dowsed in Africa, Peter realised that he had begun to like the smell so much that he impulsively bought himself flowers. And after enjoying a lonely romantic meal he said he wanted to take things a ‘little further’ so invited himself back to his place for a ‘nightcap’.

‘After some small talk on the sofa, I made an excuse to use the bathroom, calmed my nerves as best I could and, after admiring myself in the mirror, prepared to go all the way with an extra misting of Sport Blast,’ said Peter. ‘At this point I could no longer resist myself, rushed upstairs and proceeded to rip my clothes off. I was only inches from a blow-job when the accident happened. Typical of my luck.’

James Robson, a marketing spokesman for Lynx, has warned other men not to take the adverts too seriously but stood by the marketing claims of the Sport Blast product which states that ‘its juicy citrus accords and green leafy notes will make you feel like you can do anything’. ‘Except suck your own cock, obviously’, Robson cautioned.

Robopop

Share this story...

Send to a Friend:





Click to send this story to a friend

Posted: Jan 17th, 2014 by Guest

Tagged as: , , , , , , , ,

Click for more stories about: Lifestyle