Following the shock announcement in December that the ‘King of Teen Pop’ would be ‘officially retiring’, Justin Bieber’s management team have made no effort to deny the political aspirations of their boy genius. The 19-year-old, currently under house arrest, has confirmed via Twitter that he will be running for office in Toronto’s 2014 Mayoral elections.
Bieber’s latest drink driving shenanigans, which led to a further charge of resisting arrest, is the clearest indication yet that he plans to ‘woo voters’ with a heady mix of ‘fiscal responsibility’, ‘electoral reform’ and ‘general d**kishness’.
Incumbent Rob Ford, who has recently engaged the electorate with a series of drug-addled YouTube rants, alcohol-fuelled public outbursts and regular affairs, has insisted he ‘isn’t fazed’ by the fresh competition.
‘Bieber has talent when it comes to public shame, I’ll give him that; but I can raise my game when I need to’, claimed Ford today. ‘I can assure the good people of Toronto that crack-pipes and prostitutes are just the start, I have much more up my sleeve’.
Bieber, who claims he’s able to offer voters backstage passes, the secret to great hair and an arrest record that would ‘make Lindsey Lohan jealous’, said: ‘Ford’s struggle with booze and crack is pretty rock ‘n roll, but he’s also been diagnosed with asthma – how lame is that?’ Most political commentators agree that with a global fan base in the tens of millions, ‘Beliebers’ are likely to significantly outnumber the six and a half ‘Fordsters’ on polling day.
Many have naturally questioned: How has Canada developed such a monopoly on anti-social behaviour, hockey violence and inability to hold their drink? Yet girls with low self esteem everywhere will attest that there is no greater incentive to stealing their parent’s postal vote, than the thought of Justin Bieber solving Toronto’s traffic congestion.