Years of extensive illegal surveillance of our gaming habits has led to the shock revelation that the public ‘don’t just simply dislike’ hog-kind, but they actively ‘loathe’ all swine and their constant ‘flouting’ of building regulations. The National Security Agency (NSA) has concluded that personal data gleaned from ‘Angry Birds ®’ is evidence of a ‘clear and present danger’ to all ‘porkers’; which has resulted in Miss Piggy, Peppa and Eric Pickles all going into hiding.
The undeniable accuracy of intelligence collected from mobile gaming devices has also led to warnings related to squashed confectionary, attacks on fruit by Japanese assassins and fears of open warfare between garden produce and undead hordes. What this all tells us about The War on Terror is unclear, but as one NSA spokesman explained: ‘We need to be vigilant. We’ve heard a rumour that Russian scientists are building some kind of wall out of mismatched multi-colour bricks!’
Since 2007 the NSA and Britain’s GCHQ have focused on Mobile Apps, but could already take credit for raising awareness of paranormal maze-infestations during the early 80s, the threat of Italian plumbers during the 90s and, more recently, the increasing incidents of automobile theft around the San Andreas area. NSA controllers are now convinced that 2019 (the Chinese Year of the Pig) will be the focus for widespread aggressive avian terror. A spokesman warned: ‘Remember – the early bird always cluster bombs Huxley.’