Radio 4 bosses have been summoned to the Foreign Office to answer questions following accusations of ‘rampant’ and ‘illegal’ colonisation of desert islands. Pacific island leaders have delivered a joint complaint to Foreign Secretary, William Hague in an attempt to halt the migration of potty professors, faded celebrities and unknown academics to hundreds of uninhabited islands in Micronesia and other areas of the Pacific.
Senator Kaiboke Kabua, representing Namu Atoll handed a long list of complaints to Mr Hague dating back to 1942 when the programme first came to the air waves. Citing a series of incidents over the past few decades he drew attention to some of the problems which fishermen and other native island hoppers have encountered, including a face-off with a female comedian with a cockney accent who was dressed as an adolescent boy. ‘When a fishing boat moored offshore a wild looking creature ran into the water waving a Bible and reciting lines from the Tempest and Henry IV Part 1. The unfortunate fisherman was then subjected to some deafening Western music called ‘Get Ur Freak On’ by someone called Missy Elliot. The chances of a good catch that day was ruined.’
Senator Kabua revealed that his own grandfather had told of a similar incident with someone called Gracie Fields in 1961. ‘A smelly and unkempt old lady was paddling in the water and singing about something up her alley before she threw a gnarled copy of the Forsyte Saga at my grandfather’s head. When he regained consciousness she was dancing along the beach to a Fantasia on Greensleeves by Ralph Vaughan Williams. He was mentally scarred for life’.
On another occasion a boat full of bemused passengers in a glass bottom boat were greeted by a stranded forensic psychotherapist who screamed ‘Don’t you know who I fucking am?’ After hurling faeces and a compendium of poetry at the group she ripped off her clothes and did a series of naked cartwheels beneath the hull, scaring off a pod of dolphins. Desert Island Disc’s presenter, Kirsty Young said, ‘I’m just doing my job. The BBC has still got warehouses full of Bibles and luxury items so until I’m told to stop the show will go on.’
In a further move islanders have recently set a 30 mile exclusion zone around one island in fear of contamination after the arrival of Russell Brand.