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Government to step in to deal with floods of tax returns

The government has been forced to step in to deal with an expected deluge of millions of last-minute online tax returns on 31 January. Troops will be on standby to ensure phone lines are kept open, and GCHQ will temporarily lift surveillance activities to ensure there are no blockages.

The Taxpayers’ Alliance say it was a disaster waiting to happen, and that HMRC is to blame for dangerously high levels of dredging in company and individual bank accounts. But HMRC has responded by saying the flood was predicted long ago and that people should have taken precautionary measures such as occupying the moral high ground and declaring and paying every penny of potential tax due as early as possible.

Shadow Chancellor Ed Balls said he had no sympathy for the victims, saying people should do what he and his wife do and employ an accountant do deal with ‘flipping’ the designation of their various homes long before the deadline, adding that a 50p top tax rate isn’t too bad if you plan things properly.

Chancellor George Osborne simply smirked and said an offshore haven was the obvious way to avoid any flooding at home.

UKIP councillor David Sylvester has blamed the flood of tax returns primarily on the deadly sins sloth and greed, but says unnatural lust has probably distracted people from doing their duty, adding that he will pray for everyone who finds sins of the flesh more interesting than boring paperwork.

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Posted: Feb 1st, 2014 by Des Custard

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