There was delight around the world as Russia put on an impressive affirmation of its commitment to the rights of individuals and the promotion of homosexuality. The festival was launched with a glittering show featuring galloping white horses, flying Cossacks and shirtless bodybuilders performing ironmongery.
The performance was followed by a Mardis Gras style march in which buff men and butch women dressed in a rainbow of colours waved flags.
Later in the show, President Vladimir Putin watched in admiration as many huge multi-coloured condoms, only suitable for those with a flamboyant libido, pranced before him in the purpose-built arena, applauded by thousands of hitherto undecided citizens of that great nation. Some of them even admitted to feeling twinges in their loins that they hadn’t experienced before, and vowed to walk away from the occasion with a new direction in mind, and quite prepared to ‘give it a go’.
The event climaxed with a spectacular firework display and the lighting of a big gay torch.
However, celebrations took a sinister turn as masked and helmeted men and women started flooding into the venue, some wielding pointy sticks attached to ergonomic handles, and the crowds ran for their lives.
‘This kind of activity endangers life and is contrary to the spirit of the festival, which is fundamentally a celebration of diversity and puppets,’ said Minister for Homosexuality Sergei Lavrov. ‘It’s typical that a minority of people wish to hijack the event for their own agenda, but they really didn’t need to do it; they don’t seem to understand that winter sports are openly tolerated here.’
Calm was later restored, with no arrests due to the newly invoked policy of inclusiveness and openness for all, or ‘Glacenost’.
‘Oh, apart from the bastard who messed up the Olympic ring snowflakes,’ said Mr Lavrov. ‘He’s been reassigned to a new project in Siberia for the next six years. And while he’s there, it frankly isn’t government policy to give a damn if he gets buggered senseless or not.’