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Buy an umbrella – Your handy guide to surviving the drought

The recent dry winter has left Britons with dry riverbeds and parched lawns. Follow our top tips to get through these tough times:

  • Share baths and showers – If your partner isn’t in, why not ask around a few of the neighbours?
  • Retain back-up water stocks in jerry cans in your garage – If you are lucky enough to have a garage, now is the time to remove your car and fill the space up with tap water. Previous government advice on storing fluids in your home has shown that you will not need to worry about running out of water, and when the rain finally comes you can simply chuck what you don’t use down the drain.
  • Don’t waste good English tap water – Use hugely expensive bottled French mineral water instead. They’ve got loads of it.
  • Avoid having a house fire – Each time you are selfish enough to burn all your treasured possessions in a massive domestic blaze, you inadvertently use a huge amount of water when the fire services attempt to control the fire. Think twice before having an electrical fault.
  • Make use of your urine – Save your urine to water the house plants. The nitrogenous wastes will help them to thrive. Perhaps keep the urine in an old apple juice container in the fridge for added fun. You could also wash the car with urine. If you don’t have a car, show some community spirit and wash someone else’s car – they’ll be delighted.
  • Stop exercising – With so little water remaining, sweating is now essentially immoral. Sit still, but avoid reading about how much the Olympics is costing as crying is just as bad.
  • Restrict illegal immigration – Work on border control? Just how thirsty does that illegal immigrant look? Does he need a wash? Better think twice about letting him into the country – unless of course he comes complete with his own water bottle. Result!
  • Unblock your plumbing – Health Spas, ensure you can continue to offer colonic irrigation by filling your butt with rainwater.
  • Go on holiday in Britain – Any plans to visit the British coastline will always trigger heavy rainfall.

By kimllfixit, with contributions by Thor, kga6, Sinnick, wallster and beau-jolly.

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Posted: Feb 11th, 2014 by Guest

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