As further storms are expected to hit the UK, paranoid homophobes of all political persuasions are launching a concerted campaign to stop the ‘flood of sexual liberation’. Aerial footage along the Thames has revealed a ‘rising tide’ of liberalisation in the populace, which has been exacerbated by declarations from Tom Daley, England women’s captain Casey Stoney and the hint that Wayne Rooney has started to pluck his eyebrows.
A spokesman for the Environment Agency said: ‘While we don’t for a moment agree with the UKIP councillor, David Silvester, who suggested that adverse weather is caused by gay marriage; but we would ask Britain’s sportsmen and women to show a little restraint. Why take the risk? Can we all agree to abstain from anything that deviates from heterosexual behaviour, at least until we order more sandbags.’
With fourteen severe flood warnings and parts of Somerset beginning to resemble Atlantis, ‘floods minister’ Eric Pickles has predicted a return to Old Testament plagues. Although Treasury cuts are to blame for the lack of flood defences, the agency chairman, Lord Smith, has strangely been the focus of Minister’s ire. A Cabinet spokesmen said: ‘Mr. Smith’s sexuality has nothing to do with the Prime Minister’s failure to endorse him. We may be too late to start dredging but it’s never too late to start stirring up the s*@t.’